First Girl I Loved: Transparent Growth Left by Clumsy Desires and Relational Isolation

When the inner world of an isolated individual encounters the universe of another, that collision inevitably creates a fracture. At some point in our lives, we all find ourselves cut by the clumsy blade of ‘the first time.’

That blade sometimes takes the form of pure curiosity, and at other times, it appears as a desperate desire for validation. The film First Girl I Loved (2016) is not merely a work that revisits the fluttering excitement of first love. It is a harrowing yet transparent record of how an individual becomes isolated within the power structures of relationships, and how, rising above that isolation, they learn to pronounce their own name.

🌿 Moments When This Film Sinks Deeply

• For those who have ever hidden the desire to reach another person behind the clumsy excuse of an ‘interview.’
• For those who remember the chilling sensation when their truth was denied by the person they trusted most.
• For those who wish to realize that losing oneself is more terrifying than the collective gaze of the group.
• Why you should read until the end: Because we trace the structural victory of the ‘birth of a subjective self’ hidden behind the bitter betrayal shown in this film.

🎞 Note Before Watching

Rather than physical exposure or provocative imagery, this drama carries significant emotional weight through psychological tension between characters, verbal violence, and the collapse of relationships. While it deals with a queer narrative, it focuses on the essence of universal growing pains.

🎬 Film Information

• Title: First Girl I Loved (2016)
• Director: Kerem Sanga
• Screenplay: Kerem Sanga
• Country: 🇺🇸 USA
• Genre: Youth Drama, Queer, Romance
• Running Time: 91 minutes
• Platform: VOD and international streaming services
• Cast: Dylan Gelula (Anne), Brianna Hildebrand (Sasha), Clifton Collins Jr. (Cliff)

📖 First Girl I Loved: A Record of Tangled Gazes Starting Beyond the Viewfinder [No Spoilers]

Anne, a high school senior, is a quiet student who observes the world through a camera lens while working on the school yearbook team. Her gaze settles on Sasha, the school’s star softball player. Anne uses the pretext of a ‘Senior Goodbye’ interview to approach Sasha. The process of taking photos and asking questions is not a mere assignment for Anne, but a clandestine attempt to explore her own identity and integrate herself into the other’s world.

The two grow rapidly closer, exchanging texts late into the night and visiting each other’s homes. However, existing outside the orbit of their relationship is Anne’s long-time friend, Cliff. Cliff, who harbors an unrequited love for Anne, realizes her gaze is fixed on Sasha rather than himself and is consumed by deep jealousy and a sense of betrayal. Just as Anne attempts to confess her truth, Cliff’s twisted desire erupts, leading to a catastrophe where their private moments are exposed without consent in the school yearbook—a public record. Their established friendship and budding love are instantly dragged before the cold tribunal of a disciplinary committee.

📸 Power Hidden Behind the Lens and the Distortion of Truth: The Relationship Structure of Anne and Sasha

In the film First Girl I Loved, the camera is not a mere prop but a tool of power. Anne captures and defines Sasha’s image as an observer. However, the actual topography of power is the opposite. Sasha is a ‘star’ within the school and belongs to the mainstream class, while Anne is merely an observer lingering on the periphery.

When their relationship faces a crisis, this power imbalance is laid bare. Facing the system of the disciplinary committee, Sasha transforms Anne into a ‘perpetrator’ to protect her social status and reputation. Sasha’s lie—that “Anne tried to force a kiss on her”—destroys the pure affection Anne held while simultaneously symbolizing the existential rejection a minority faces when attempting to enter the world of the majority.

From a critical perspective, this work depicts the social pressure and individual cowardice residing beneath the surface much more densely than the sweetness of love. The beautiful smile of Sasha captured through Anne’s lens is eventually revealed to be a camouflage for social survival, leaving the audience to witness the futility of the relationship.

🔎 Reinterpreting the Ending — A Name Finally Pronounced Atop a Ruined World

The film’s ending rejects the reconciliation or romantic escape chosen by many queer films. Due to Sasha’s betrayal, Anne’s world completely collapses. However, the interesting point is that this ‘collapse’ serves as a paradoxical opportunity for Anne to establish her identity.

Left alone in a place where the system of school, the trust of a friend, and the illusion of a lover have all vanished, Anne faces herself through counseling at a clinic. In the final scene, the act of Anne stating her name and affirming her identity signifies total independence from the validation of others (Sasha) or the possessiveness of others (Cliff).

While Sasha chooses a cowardly life, trapped within her parents’ expectations and the social gaze while denying her truth, Anne gains true freedom by choosing isolation. Following the conclusion, their relationship faces a permanent fracture that can never be restored, but a new sprout—Anne’s ego—emerges from within that crack.

Anne’s declaration of identity is the victory of an existential struggle as a solitary individual breaking out of the prison of the gaze of others.

❓ Interpretation of the Ambiguous Ending and Representation of Women in First Girl I Loved

Q1. Is Sasha’s betrayal truly within the realm of forgiveness?

Many viewers feel anger toward Sasha’s false testimony. However, the film does not set Sasha up as a simple villain. She is also a victim of a system—a patriarchal and conservative home environment and a need to protect her career as an athlete. Sasha’s cowardice is not a matter of personal character, but an indicator of how a social structure that does not tolerate minority status pressures an individual into becoming a monster. Rather than deciding on the matter of forgiveness, the work invites the reader to judge for themselves the social context that forced such a choice.

Q2. What are the limits of the masculine narrative symbolized by the character Cliff?

Cliff is a perpetrator wearing the mask of a typical ‘nice guy.’ He mistakes Anne’s friendship for his own property and inflicts immediate retribution the moment Anne deviates from his expectations (a heteronormative relationship). This critically reflects a male-centered perspective that intervenes in and seeks to damage narratives between women. Cliff’s actions carry a toxicity that refuses to recognize Anne’s subjectivity, and through this, the film poignantly reveals how easily female narratives can be distorted by external interfering factors.

✨ First Girl I Loved: A Solitary Dignity Acquired Through the Loss of Love

The film begins with the question ‘Who do I love?’ and ends with the answer ‘Who am I?’ Love sometimes betrays us, and relationships sometimes pull us to the very bottom, but within those ruins, the self discovered remains a vivid reality.

Anne’s growth is completed not through union with another, but through a total separation from the other. This poses a heavy question about the essence of relationships to those of us living in modern society. Are we beings who cannot define ourselves without the mirror of the gaze of others, or are we beings who are finally completed when standing alone?

True growth begins with the solitary resolution to name oneself, stripping away the illusion of the other.

🗨 On the Courage to Choose a Voice Over Silence

When the person closest to you denies your truth, would you remain silent to protect the relationship, or would you choose isolation to protect yourself? I am curious to know what resonance Anne’s choice left with you.

💜 Violet Screen’s Curation: Other Depths of Female Narratives

• Bottoms (2023): While First Girl I Loved dealt with the dark underbelly of high school, this work depicts a delightful and audacious solidarity among women that subverts stereotypes.
• The Half of It (2020): Carrying the message that ‘Love is not finding, but reaching out and building,’ it calmly portrays the growth and friendship of a girl with a quiet but solid inner self, much like Anne.